Just As The Night Falls, The Sun Rises

Just as the night falls, the sun rises

Rays of light blanketing the earth

Reminding us that the new day

Holds boundless potential for growth

Daring us to gaze upon the limitless beauty

Deep within our soul

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Wish I had my phone to take a pic of the ACTUAL sunrise… but like Mother Aya says “The best camera is your mind” Sigh.

Wow. I can’t even believe how much I’ve been learning lately. I also am so ashamed that I dared to think the ayahuasca was messing me up due to my bipolar diagnosis the other day. Really… it’s helped me in ways I could’ve never even imagined, and I shudder to think about the trajectory of my life if I never made the choice to go to Peru. No joke… I would’ve most likely killed myself — A very valid fear which is totally GONE now. HAPPY TO SAY! 😀 Hehe!

But I can’t go too deep into this right now. All I can say is… I have been taught such valuable lessons since my previous post. It reminds me of this article, The Yin-Yang of Fortune and Misfortune: Alan Watts on the Art of Learning Not to Think in Terms of Gain and Loss. Alan Watts and I share a birthday btw… which became known to me when Drew shared this on FB… on my bday. BAM SYNCHRONICITY.

“The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity, and it’s really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad.” -Alan Watts

Synchronicity really is the key word here. Another thing that Drew shared with me recently was this documentary about channeling that he had mentioned at Dreamglade, but we never got to watch. When I had my “episode” the other night, I wanted so badly to ask for help, but instead something told me to ask for the documentary instead, as well as the Tibetan mantras he would do during breathing and ceremony.

And holy shit was I rewarded for trusting myself.

This documentary changed my life. I actually want to do an entire post about this but again, GOTTA GO TO WORK. So here’s a link to it instead!

It’s amazing though how, everything I wanted to gush to Drew about, I got answers to from this documentary. Essentially one of the biggest messages that I came out of it with is that, the more we’re able to open ourselves up to messages from the higher powers, the more we’re able to harness the power of the soul and our lives begin to change. One of the women in it talks about how when we ask for something from the universe, it’s like putting in an “order” that we can’t expect to be fulfilled right away, or in any way we expect. We begin to think we don’t deserve it and get discouraged, but then that changes our frequency to where we can no longer accept, or even “see” the answer. If we open ourselves to abundance, we are rewarded with acts of synchronicity, that lead us in the right direction. Remind us that we’re on the right path, and give us everything we’ve ever dreamed of.

Yesterday I watched this documentary 3 times in a row, and it boosted my mood so much… and now that I think about it I’m assuming that also means it boosted my “frequency.”

Then THIS MORNING when I went to do Yoga with Adriene, I was so pleased to see that the theme of today was “DIVINE,” and it was about CHANNELING THE DIVINE YOU.

WTFFFF!!!!! SYNCHRONICITTTTYYY~~~~

Adriene is seriously the best — I love how she turns these concepts that could so easily turn off a lot of people into something practical. Totally inspiring to what I want to eventually turn this blog into 🙂 Because really… all “channeling” is, is learning how to trust yourself. As Adriene says “focus on BEING not DOING,” or “trust your gut” or “process not product.” And in Women Who Run With Wolves it’s described as “ego apertures” or the “crack between worlds.”

THIS POST IS GETTING TOO LONG AND I STILL NEED TO SHOWER AND MAKE LUNCH GAH!

OK REAL QUICK!!!

My original plan was to go running after yoga, but as I was going to put my socks on, my journal on my super messy desk called to me and made me do some automatic writing. I’ve been meaning to draw/write/paint/create SO BAD since coming back from Peru, but really… my messy room turns me off and has become an excuse. And that’s basically what my soul was screaming at me… TO STOP USING IT AS AN EXCUSE AND CREATE ANYWAY!!!

It made me set a 20 min timer on my phone so that I could go run at 6am, but I stopped writing before the 20 min was up because after the journal entry, I was compelled to do an automatic post it drawing in the “scribble style” Christie was explaining to me the other day. What came out was super interesting and unexpected, and although I don’t know what it means, it was at the request of my soul so… whatever. I was able to accept it.

Then, as I went to finally go running, Eddy knocked on my door. It was so early and I was surprised he was up already, so I asked “Did you have a nightmare?” and he said “Yes…” and he told me about his super horrific nightmare that I won’t go into but basically he accidentally set fire to a building and it ended up becoming like 9/11 and he killed a ton of people, including children, and was struggling to apologize and it was the worst ever.

Since I’ve come back to Peru, Eddy has been going through a CRAZY transformation which I ALSO have been wanting to write about but holy crap there’s just TOO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT. So much potential for growth EVERY SINGLE DAY and it’s been happening… INSANE. But yeah essentially, he’s really been taking in the information I’ve returned with and it’s broken open this door to spirituality within him, and I think it’s made him ALSO really sensitive to signs and synchronicity.

Last week he was really shaken up because our dog Han just randomly ran into the street in a sort of…freak accident sorta way. One of the other puppies in the dog group we go to ended up rushing out after him, and they both almost died. However, he was the only one who saw how close a car came to hitting the other dog, and he hated to think about what would’ve happened if Han’s actions had caused that death, and how that other dog’s owner would’ve felt for him not keeping Han on his leash.

He took this as a sign that he needs to finally grow up and start taking more seriously… being more responsible… there’s SO MUCH here because there was so much crazy character development that happened that day I could write a full post on that too… but yeah. That was just last week and he was so driven for like a day or two, but again fell into bad habits.

So last night, he ended up playing a mobile game into the night, which is his ULTIMATE bad habit (seriously, he had to get a safe for me to put his videogames in so he could do some work), and he says that this nightmare he had was ANOTHER reminder to him, in a similar vein to Han almost dying, that he really needs to get his shit together.

Again… SYNCHRONICITY. I was blown away by how everything worked out so perfectly this morning. If I had gone to run right after yoga, I wouldn’t have been able to be there for Eddy to talk to him about his nightmare. And not only that, I realized that we’ve been going through such similar stuff… wanting to change our bad habits but not being able to. He was scolded in the form of a nightmare, and I was scolded in the form of my soul literally yelling at me in my journal and forcing me to take the time to do the automatic drawing that I’ve been putting off for a couple days. (Seriously Elora, Christie took the time to teach you that scribble game shit and blow your mind and you still haven’t done it.)

I’m constantly getting messages to SLOW DOWN, from Mother Ayahuasca, Eddy, Christie, Adriene… but today it really started to sink in. If I hadn’t slowed down this morning… I wouldn’t have given my soul the time to speak… and I’m really starting to see how much of a tragedy that is.

I ended up going on my run way later than intended, but was rewarded with SUCH a beautiful sunrise that sparked the poem above! If I went running at 5:30am like I was GOING to, I would’ve missed it! And I feel like that sunrise also taught me so much… Shining through the darkness of the other night.

SO MUCH SYNCHRONICITY!!! Such a magical morning… thank you so much, Universe 🙂 I’ll be listening more from now on.

 

 

Honor The Ending: Time Is An Illusion

It’s the time you spend on your rose that makes your rose so important. … You’re responsible for your rose.” ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Two weeks ago my friend Amy and I got back from an ayahuasca retreat called Dreamglade in the Peruvian Amazon. I wanted to kick off this blog with that story, but when I started looking through photos and videos I realized that it’s just too big, and rushing would be doing a disservice to the whole experience. It also put me in a really strange mood that sent me spiraling into a familiar darkness.

I foolishly thought that, with all the progress I’ve made because of the ayahuasca, I would be impervious to pain. One of the themes throughout the journey was recognizing that pain is temporary and all you can do is move through it, rather than wallow in it. I felt like I had made a major breakthrough, but coming back to this “reality” I now see that pain manifests in so many different ways. Modern society is naturally overwhelming because we’re all constantly overstimulated, so to be able to isolate reasons for feeling a certain way can be difficult sometimes. It was much easier at Dreamglade because we were literally only working on ourselves, and had so many of those stimuli taken away to detox from this mess we live in. Eddy reminded me that a retreat is literally “backing away from a battle to recuperate,” and for me, coming back to Los Angeles to live my “normal” life is like returning to battle.

I wanted SO BADLY to honor our two week Dreamglade anniversary and spent hours yesterday trying to get it done in time, neglecting so much else. I fell into the same patterns of beating myself up about it when it got later and later and realized I just wouldn’t be able to do it. Looking at photos made me feel even worse, like I was losing something important by not having archived it quickly enough. Watching my video journals while the emotions were still fresh, seeing myself talk about little details I’d already forgotten made me so afraid that I’d forget everything I’d learned and felt. That this whole ayahuasca journey, the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life, was already fading into a dream and it would all be for nothing. I heard Drew’s voice echo in my head “You’ll remember what’s important” and responded with “No I won’t, that’s bullshit.”

But then I remembered this “meditation for endings” that Adriene released on her Yoga with Adriene channel yesterday for New Years, and how she emphasizes the importance of “Honoring the Ending” and a “Resolve to Evolve.” I did this first thing in the morning as soon as I got the email, and it made me cry because it resonated so deeply. It’s amazing how we as humans all struggle with such similar issues of not being able to commit to practicing what’s good for us because we crave “perfection” or “instant gratification” which makes no sense when we’re still new to something!

“This is one of the most maddening things about human nature: we quit doing the things that help us most.” – Phil Stutz & Barry Michels, The Tools

My whole life I’ve struggled to commit to anything, allowing myself to wallow in the dark hole of my pain. It’s resulted in me feeling depressed, stuck and unable to follow through with anything important…life continually slipping through my fingers. Being diagnosed as bipolar, I am very much a slave to highs and lows, not understanding how to balance that duality and live in the normalcy of life.  Another Drew quote from the retreat when I was going through some pretty bad shit — “Maybe this is a sign that you just need to start living.”

But what if you’re not even sure how to live, after not living for such a long time?

This is a very common problem with our species, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because we’re all slaves to time, and need to constantly remind ourselves that time is an illusion — Something my dad also clearly struggled with, expressing his frustrations in a comic where time is literally the enemy, “Tempus Fugitives.” But time is something so abstract, a force we’ll never be able to control as mere mortals. This is why “honoring the ending” is SO important, and something great to keep in mind while moving into 2019.

There’s talk about how, after doing ayahuasca, you experience a lot of synchronicity in your life… things that seem to just be meant to happen. Reading The Last Unicorn (and also The Little Prince) has been part of this for me, because I am getting so much life changing advice from both of these books. There’s a part of The Last Unicorn that completely blew my mind regarding time, which I think sums up the issue quite beautifully. It made me realize that what ayahuasca does is open ourselves to receive messages from the higher powers, allowing us to see the world differently and experience magic. Because what is magic? Things that we don’t understand that inspire wonder, similar to when we were a child. And, ayahuasca or not, I believe that magic is always there. We just live so blindly on a normal basis and float through life without recognizing what’s actually important. And this is why art exists, as a desperate plea from people who have experienced these universal truths — a reminder to take the time to see.

“When I was alive, I believed–as you do–that time was at least as real and solid as myself, and probably more so. I said ‘one o’clock’ as though I could see it, and ‘Monday’ as though I could find it on the map; and I let myself be hurried along from minute to minute, day to day, year to year, as though I were actually moving from one place to another. Like everyone else, I lived in a house bricked up with seconds and minutes, weekends and New Year’s Days, and I never went outside until I died, because there was no other door. Now I know that I could have walked through the walls.” – Peter S. Beagle, Last Unicorn p.236

This literally made me tear up just typing it out for this post, because it’s SO FUCKING REAL and WE ALL SUCCUMB TO IT. We feel constantly busy, constantly behind, things piling up to such a crippling extent that we don’t allow ourselves to live…but what are we even living for at that point? It’s such a joke! “A house bricked up with seconds and minutes, weekends and New Year’s Days”… “New Years” is just another excuse to put more pressure on ourselves to set resolutions that we won’t commit to if we don’t see the root of the problem.

Even now, attempting to honor endings, part of why tears came while during the meditation was my fear of failure. The fear to just let go and experience life, rather than try and control it. The fear of TRUE CHANGE. But the same behavior has prevailed time and time again and caused me so much pain…and what is insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The results won’t be different unless you make the choice to change, and that choice is where all our power lies. That choice is our magic. 

“The clock will never strike the right time. Haggard scrambled the works long ago, one day when he was trying to grab hold of time as it swung by. But the important thing is for you to understand that it doesn’t matter whether the clock strikes ten next, or seven, or fifteen o’clock. You can strike your own time, and start the count anywhere. When you understand that — then any time at all will be the right time for you.” – Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn

Time is much more fluid than we think…it moves backwards and forwards, and if you pay attention, the more life you live the clearer this becomes. I’m already starting to see it, but that’s for a future post. This quote from Haunting of Hill House explains it well for now.

I thought for so long that time was like a line. That our moments were laid out like dominoes and that they fell one into another. Days tipping one into the next into the next… in a long line between the beginning and the end. But I was wrong. It’s not like that at all. Our moments fall around us like rain…or snow. Or confetti.” – Nell Craine, Haunting of Hill House

As we left Dreamglade, Amy and I were huddled in tears in the front of Stacy’s car as he was playing sad, appropriate songs like this one:

And she said “I feel like the end credits are rolling” which made me cry and cling to her harder, not wanting the moment to escape because it was too perfect. 

Indeed, that’s exactly how it felt, and during these magical times I try my best to “live in the moment” but can’t help feeling like it’s never enough. But this too is part of being human. We live in the painful space between past and future, a space that doesn’t truly exist. The tragic beauty of humanity is that nothing lasts forever, and everything comes to an end.

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Me and Amy in Stace’s car during the “end credits.” Huge thanks to Erik for the photo!

To make me feel better last night, Eddy reminded me of the concept of “eternal return,” and the idea that time is infinite and because we can’t even fathom the nature of infinity, it’s nice to believe that time will repeat itself someday. So every experience that we have is part of us forever, and rather than be sad about an “ending,” focus on how beautiful it is that we’ll always have these memories within us. People constantly take photos and videos to capture a moment, but, like Mother Ayahuasca told me in Peru “The best camera you have is your mind.” As badly as we want to cling to the past, we have to trust that regardless of details, we’ll remember the feeling we had at certain times in our life, and that’s what we have to treasure.

once youve met someone you never really forget them

This is a constant message in tons of books, movies, songs… because it’s such a universal struggle and requires effort to remind ourselves to focus on gratitude rather than sadness. And this is what “honoring the ending” and “resolve to evolve” means. All we can do is be grateful for the joyous experiences in our life and use them to better ourselves… to remind us to commit to practices that clear our minds so we CAN focus on the good rather than the bad, and be patient with ourselves when we fall into the trap of being human.

We have to remember that the most important thing about life is to enjoy it with the time that we have and the people who we love. And to be patient with ourselves so we don’t miss this opportunity. Happy New Year everyone, 2019 is going to be different. Let’s approach it without fear or expectation. Remember…pain is temporary.

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