Choosing Dreamglade For Ayahuasca: Great Vibes and Legit Healing

Deciding to do Ayahuasca at Dreamglade was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I swear I’ve watched every single ayahuasca video on youtube, looked into every center in the amazon, and spent hours and hours reading reviews. I couldn’t help being nervous setting out on the journey, but as soon as Stacy (the owner) picked us up from Iquitos, I knew I had made the right decision and couldn’t imagine doing it anywhere else.

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The reason that research is important is because Ayahuasca is the main source of tourism in some parts of South America and there are a lot of people doing it for the wrong reasons. Ayahuasca is NOT a drug… it’s a medicine and needs to be administered in the right way for HEALING. It works best if you feel called to it, and have specific intentions about why you want to do it. It’s definitely NOT to have fun and trip out…it’s HARD WORK. People even say that your intentions guide you to the center and ayahuasca experience that’s meant for you. Here’s a tour video I took on the last day to remember what it was like walking around the place…I miss it SOOOO much. It makes my heart ache. 

At Dreamglade we were immediately told that their main goal at the center isn’t a “light show for the Westerners” but legit healing. If not done right, it can cause people to have psychotic episodes and return home worse than when they came. Some shamans, called “Brujos,” can even steal your energy, or invite bad spirits in to mess with you. Also when you’re on the medicine, you are in a really sensitive, vulnerable state that continues post ceremony, even into integration, and I’ve heard about people being taken advantage of at some centers and even raped

In my research I noticed that some places even sell tourist packages that include something like, one ayahuasca ceremony and then a jungle adventure or something, which seemed shady to me to begin with, but after actually TAKING the medicine I have no idea how people even do that. If you plan on using this to truly heal, you’re gonna need time to recover from this thing and process your experience. I’m not even sure how, at some centers, people can do ceremonies days in a row. At Dreamglade they actually require you to do 4 ceremonies MINIMUM, to give you adequate time to get used to the medicine, with the ceremonies every other day with rest in between. Those rest days were SO important. A LOT comes up that you just don’t understand, and I can’t imagine not having the right people around to help you through it.

Stacy, the owner, started up his center around 5 years ago and was really honest about the process of getting used to doing these ceremonies. We came at a really good time because by now, they REALLY know what they’re doing and you feel VERY SAFE the ENTIRETY OF YOUR STAY. I decided on Dreamglade because I felt, more than any other center that I’d come across, Stacy and Drew, his right hand man, are doing it for the right reasons. They recognize that the world is pretty messed up, and our only hope as a species is to heal ourselves, one by one, because only after we heal ourselves can that energy diffuse to others. The work that they do there is absolutely unbelievable… you can feel the power and love radiating from their shamans, Raul and Lidia. The entire staff is amazing because everyone plays such a specific role in taking care of guests coming in and supporting the great work of the shamans. So much sacrifice goes into running the place, and it can only be described as a labor of love for everyone there. To get a sense of what I mean, I urge you to watch the documentary. Here’s the link!

What immediately stood out to me was the general vibe of both the place and the people who work there. They’re not trying to sell you anything — they’re just very down to earth, genuine, amazing people, and it’s easy to get a sense of that from watching the video. Stacy really put his blood, sweat and tears into designing and creating the center himself, and when you’re there… the atmosphere is completely magical. SUCH great design, cozy spaces… thought put into every corner. 

 

Something else I really love about Dreamglade is how picky they are with who they admit to the center, and how small they keep the groups (only 9 guests max at a time). You’re attending a retreat with a bunch of strangers with, in some cases a lot of emotional baggage, and that adds to the atmosphere of the whole experience. I was actually almost turned away from Dreamglade because of my bipolar diagnosis, and I immediately freaked out because they were my number one choice. Regardless of this, I still got a great vibe from Jann, the woman who handles their email correspondence. She explained that above all they were concerned about safety, for not only myself but their guests. When I signed up for the retreat I had been newly diagnosed and wasn’t aware that being bipolar was an issue, but she said that it could lead to manic or psychotic episodes depending on how severe the disorder was. I was clearly heartbroken in the emails, so Jann said she would run my case by Stacy, and she let me fill out their questionnaire anyway, which by the way is very extensive. I felt like I was writing a college entrance essay the way I responded to that questionnaire… and I basically begged to get in. I even sent them this video about the healing potential of ayahuasca for people with bipolar… it was literally my last resort.

I was sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear back from Jann and Stace about whether they would let me come to Dreamglade, and because I’m so impatient I actually emailed about 10 other centers while waiting, but none of them felt right for me.  Stace says that both him and Jann are very intuitive and have been doing it for so long that they can tell when something is a little “off” about a person, and they don’t hesitate to turn anyone away.

I can tell they do a fantastic job with their screening process because we were able to experience two groups of people while we were there and everyone was awesome, good vibes all around 🙂 I also had SO many questions and Jann was super quick and thorough about answering them all….the Dreamglade staff is seriously just top notch. They showed me the true power of collaboration, communication, compassion and love. Thankfully I was allowed to come…I can’t imagine having gone anywhere else.

I uploaded some raw videos mostly for archive purposes, but I might as well share them here. This is the first one that was supposed to be an account of my first ceremony but turned into going a bit into why I decided to do ayahuasca and Dreamglade praise 🙂

Honor The Ending: Time Is An Illusion

It’s the time you spend on your rose that makes your rose so important. … You’re responsible for your rose.” ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Two weeks ago my friend Amy and I got back from an ayahuasca retreat called Dreamglade in the Peruvian Amazon. I wanted to kick off this blog with that story, but when I started looking through photos and videos I realized that it’s just too big, and rushing would be doing a disservice to the whole experience. It also put me in a really strange mood that sent me spiraling into a familiar darkness.

I foolishly thought that, with all the progress I’ve made because of the ayahuasca, I would be impervious to pain. One of the themes throughout the journey was recognizing that pain is temporary and all you can do is move through it, rather than wallow in it. I felt like I had made a major breakthrough, but coming back to this “reality” I now see that pain manifests in so many different ways. Modern society is naturally overwhelming because we’re all constantly overstimulated, so to be able to isolate reasons for feeling a certain way can be difficult sometimes. It was much easier at Dreamglade because we were literally only working on ourselves, and had so many of those stimuli taken away to detox from this mess we live in. Eddy reminded me that a retreat is literally “backing away from a battle to recuperate,” and for me, coming back to Los Angeles to live my “normal” life is like returning to battle.

I wanted SO BADLY to honor our two week Dreamglade anniversary and spent hours yesterday trying to get it done in time, neglecting so much else. I fell into the same patterns of beating myself up about it when it got later and later and realized I just wouldn’t be able to do it. Looking at photos made me feel even worse, like I was losing something important by not having archived it quickly enough. Watching my video journals while the emotions were still fresh, seeing myself talk about little details I’d already forgotten made me so afraid that I’d forget everything I’d learned and felt. That this whole ayahuasca journey, the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life, was already fading into a dream and it would all be for nothing. I heard Drew’s voice echo in my head “You’ll remember what’s important” and responded with “No I won’t, that’s bullshit.”

But then I remembered this “meditation for endings” that Adriene released on her Yoga with Adriene channel yesterday for New Years, and how she emphasizes the importance of “Honoring the Ending” and a “Resolve to Evolve.” I did this first thing in the morning as soon as I got the email, and it made me cry because it resonated so deeply. It’s amazing how we as humans all struggle with such similar issues of not being able to commit to practicing what’s good for us because we crave “perfection” or “instant gratification” which makes no sense when we’re still new to something!

“This is one of the most maddening things about human nature: we quit doing the things that help us most.” – Phil Stutz & Barry Michels, The Tools

My whole life I’ve struggled to commit to anything, allowing myself to wallow in the dark hole of my pain. It’s resulted in me feeling depressed, stuck and unable to follow through with anything important…life continually slipping through my fingers. Being diagnosed as bipolar, I am very much a slave to highs and lows, not understanding how to balance that duality and live in the normalcy of life.  Another Drew quote from the retreat when I was going through some pretty bad shit — “Maybe this is a sign that you just need to start living.”

But what if you’re not even sure how to live, after not living for such a long time?

This is a very common problem with our species, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because we’re all slaves to time, and need to constantly remind ourselves that time is an illusion — Something my dad also clearly struggled with, expressing his frustrations in a comic where time is literally the enemy, “Tempus Fugitives.” But time is something so abstract, a force we’ll never be able to control as mere mortals. This is why “honoring the ending” is SO important, and something great to keep in mind while moving into 2019.

There’s talk about how, after doing ayahuasca, you experience a lot of synchronicity in your life… things that seem to just be meant to happen. Reading The Last Unicorn (and also The Little Prince) has been part of this for me, because I am getting so much life changing advice from both of these books. There’s a part of The Last Unicorn that completely blew my mind regarding time, which I think sums up the issue quite beautifully. It made me realize that what ayahuasca does is open ourselves to receive messages from the higher powers, allowing us to see the world differently and experience magic. Because what is magic? Things that we don’t understand that inspire wonder, similar to when we were a child. And, ayahuasca or not, I believe that magic is always there. We just live so blindly on a normal basis and float through life without recognizing what’s actually important. And this is why art exists, as a desperate plea from people who have experienced these universal truths — a reminder to take the time to see.

“When I was alive, I believed–as you do–that time was at least as real and solid as myself, and probably more so. I said ‘one o’clock’ as though I could see it, and ‘Monday’ as though I could find it on the map; and I let myself be hurried along from minute to minute, day to day, year to year, as though I were actually moving from one place to another. Like everyone else, I lived in a house bricked up with seconds and minutes, weekends and New Year’s Days, and I never went outside until I died, because there was no other door. Now I know that I could have walked through the walls.” – Peter S. Beagle, Last Unicorn p.236

This literally made me tear up just typing it out for this post, because it’s SO FUCKING REAL and WE ALL SUCCUMB TO IT. We feel constantly busy, constantly behind, things piling up to such a crippling extent that we don’t allow ourselves to live…but what are we even living for at that point? It’s such a joke! “A house bricked up with seconds and minutes, weekends and New Year’s Days”… “New Years” is just another excuse to put more pressure on ourselves to set resolutions that we won’t commit to if we don’t see the root of the problem.

Even now, attempting to honor endings, part of why tears came while during the meditation was my fear of failure. The fear to just let go and experience life, rather than try and control it. The fear of TRUE CHANGE. But the same behavior has prevailed time and time again and caused me so much pain…and what is insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The results won’t be different unless you make the choice to change, and that choice is where all our power lies. That choice is our magic. 

“The clock will never strike the right time. Haggard scrambled the works long ago, one day when he was trying to grab hold of time as it swung by. But the important thing is for you to understand that it doesn’t matter whether the clock strikes ten next, or seven, or fifteen o’clock. You can strike your own time, and start the count anywhere. When you understand that — then any time at all will be the right time for you.” – Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn

Time is much more fluid than we think…it moves backwards and forwards, and if you pay attention, the more life you live the clearer this becomes. I’m already starting to see it, but that’s for a future post. This quote from Haunting of Hill House explains it well for now.

I thought for so long that time was like a line. That our moments were laid out like dominoes and that they fell one into another. Days tipping one into the next into the next… in a long line between the beginning and the end. But I was wrong. It’s not like that at all. Our moments fall around us like rain…or snow. Or confetti.” – Nell Craine, Haunting of Hill House

As we left Dreamglade, Amy and I were huddled in tears in the front of Stacy’s car as he was playing sad, appropriate songs like this one:

And she said “I feel like the end credits are rolling” which made me cry and cling to her harder, not wanting the moment to escape because it was too perfect. 

Indeed, that’s exactly how it felt, and during these magical times I try my best to “live in the moment” but can’t help feeling like it’s never enough. But this too is part of being human. We live in the painful space between past and future, a space that doesn’t truly exist. The tragic beauty of humanity is that nothing lasts forever, and everything comes to an end.

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Me and Amy in Stace’s car during the “end credits.” Huge thanks to Erik for the photo!

To make me feel better last night, Eddy reminded me of the concept of “eternal return,” and the idea that time is infinite and because we can’t even fathom the nature of infinity, it’s nice to believe that time will repeat itself someday. So every experience that we have is part of us forever, and rather than be sad about an “ending,” focus on how beautiful it is that we’ll always have these memories within us. People constantly take photos and videos to capture a moment, but, like Mother Ayahuasca told me in Peru “The best camera you have is your mind.” As badly as we want to cling to the past, we have to trust that regardless of details, we’ll remember the feeling we had at certain times in our life, and that’s what we have to treasure.

once youve met someone you never really forget them

This is a constant message in tons of books, movies, songs… because it’s such a universal struggle and requires effort to remind ourselves to focus on gratitude rather than sadness. And this is what “honoring the ending” and “resolve to evolve” means. All we can do is be grateful for the joyous experiences in our life and use them to better ourselves… to remind us to commit to practices that clear our minds so we CAN focus on the good rather than the bad, and be patient with ourselves when we fall into the trap of being human.

We have to remember that the most important thing about life is to enjoy it with the time that we have and the people who we love. And to be patient with ourselves so we don’t miss this opportunity. Happy New Year everyone, 2019 is going to be different. Let’s approach it without fear or expectation. Remember…pain is temporary.

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